...but I am dead tired. Ha! Get it?
Yes, okay. Funny is out on leave right now. *sigh*
Well, this has been a hard week. I've been working two jobs and I started rehearsals for the show I'm in, so I'm kind of tired from that; also, I just moved (so you know that nothing is in the right place unless that right place is a box, which mostly it is not), almost all of my clothes are in the dirty laundry, and my boyfriend and I are thinking of breaking up.
Okay, okay, I am thinking of breaking up with him. Yes, he knows; we've been talking about it for awhile now. The prospect makes me really sad, but I haven't been happy for a long time now, and...I don't know. I'm at a point where I have started thinking about where I want to go, what I want to have in my life, etc., and it doesn't seem like he and I have the same goals. Or interests. Or sense of humor(and so on). We don't really get along well anymore - while we have never had a fight, our interactions are characterized largely by polite inanities about weather and the cats and stuff. We've never been one of those couples that has a lot of fun together, a thing I remember from other relationships and really miss having. I thought that after a while, he would be comfortable enough with me to open up and be silly and happy, but he may just not be made that way, or maybe I don't bring it out in him. Whatever the reason, we've never been joyful, or blissful, or really full of anything much except company manners.
I've been trying, I think, to be in love enough for both of us because I really have never thought that our feelings are precisely mutual. Oddly, that doesn't work, and by now it seems like I have used up all of that love. I can't bring myself to keep trying; I've been disappointed by his distant, stoic response to EVERYTHING I DO so many times that I can't believe that it could ever be different.
Nevertheless, I do love him, and the thought of not being close to him is pretty empty-making. The whole thing is very sad.
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3 comments:
We need sushi therapy SOON! Why does love have to be such a crap shoot?
I know. It's retarded. Although we did have a very promising fight last night (I think it was our second ever), so that was good. Not that fighting is such a great thing, but at least he showed some feelings.
Yes, sushi therapy tout de suite...maybe Friday?
Friday is good for me. May Rob show his emotions as rawly as the raw fishes we eat!
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